I used to worry about my current situation for the future, but I realized how much important it is to focus on myself for once.
Suddenly, I felt like getting away alone somewhere far, or with someone I love. Listen to my old records of High School Musical tapes as I drive fast. Catch the waves of the sea, smell its brine, and spend hours sighting sea stars. Take pictures of the sunset. Start bonfire on an island. Lay with the sand under my feet and go star gazing. Sleep in the tent and play with the shadows of my hand.
But, all these things are way too far from reality. The truth is I’m stuck that sometimes I feel like I’m losing the drive to play my game.
Mid June, I am bombarded with stuffs to do, a sword to fight the new normal realm. I so wanted to start it in no time because it requires time and my full potential to get it done. There is my passion but I’m lacking the drive towards it. These feelings hit me and I realized it seems like I’m doing things because it’s necessary and I keep doing so because it’s what’s needed to keep going.
I’m dealt with situations like these asking myself, do I really want to do this, or I am just not ready? It feels like I’m stuck because I’m pushing a door that says pull perhaps.
I’ve been having twain realizations about this matter for a while now. It says this isn’t what my body want to do, it is somehow I am being forced to do such, so everyone can see that I’m on the right track and I’m doing the right thing. But my inner saboteur says, this is just a phase, maybe I need to rest and recharge to start again.
Well, in the first place I won’t be placed to where I am now if I really have no sense of likeness about what I do frankly. Maybe the negative feelings which bother me are just signs which tell me it’s not the right time to do these stuffs which make me mentally drained. Seems like I’m getting hard on myself to keep pushing so people can’t see negative or let say weak sides of me, so to speak, so I can avoid getting the invalidation about what I do. Causes me to carry the weight of their expectations.
I don’t know but, it’s just so sad to feel that most people, including me, do stuffs because we’re living up with other peoples standards.
If you can relate with this, I believe in the end, what’s left on you is the choice. Maybe the choice you’ve been choosing all along is what’s right and can make you feel unworried, but the question is are you happy? For once in your life, choose something that is not just right, but rightfully can make you happy instead.
I still have a choice, so whenever I feel like exploring places, get away with my car, listen to music, go to the beach, and meet people — I would definitely do. I think it’s brave from choosing my own happiness than to sacrifice it over the rolling waves that I know I can push away and decide to start and fight again anyway.
So this time, Breathe. Feel alive. Choose happiness — it is free after all.