What if we were really meant to part ways,
So that, in time, we could find each other again?
I believe there’s a silver lining for us to meet at the shore,
Where our lines will be intertwined to resume our half-sealed pinky swears.
I was 17 when I got to know you. The night I can’t seem to forget where the glaring moon and stars witnessed the first time we’ve met. I really had no idea from that moment on, we’ll create the profound story of us.
Adrenaline rushes through every opening of my veins whenever we talk, and see each other. I don’t know why, maybe because the feeling felt like it’s always new. I’m always on cloud nine, a fairy tale bliss kind of feeling. Why do you have to carry that aura of an angel with you? It’s enticing, you got me. You’re like the blue sea, still and calm that I could stare the whole day for me to think of things I’d like to. The blue sea that turns red whenever I kiss you. Not a chance on a day that we won’t exchange goodmornings, and have you eaten your breakfast, lunch, and dinner. On busy days, we still’ve time to share how our day went before we bid our goodnights. We went out on dates, ate our favorites, and shared our stories to tell. I learned things from you, and you learned things from me. We even coerced our ship with every prodigious waves that hit us. Cherished good, bad, exciting and thrilling happenings and special days that came our way. We were young that time, but we both knew that our tryst relationship could go deeper, soon as we sail. We’re like that — we’re normal.
Thank you. You’re the one who brought out the best in me, and made me want to be a better person. You’re very ideal, your patience and empathy is indeed admirable, you’ve made me feel I’m validated. You ought to let me realize how to embrace my imperfections and perhaps it made us perfect for one another. Who wouldn’t love you?. Expressionless you might be but if I could be able to look through your heart, I know every beat of it can show the depth of your love for me. Your words might not be able to describe how you really feel towards me, but I thank you enough for telling me that you love me. And I so love you more always in all ways.
My Apologies. I know I’m perfect being imperfect, I’m no superhuman and I made mistakes. Sorry for acting silent like it’s nothing whenever I’m mad and for ignoring you at times. Sorry for my inability to compromise, the immaturity and toxicity I brought, for being too jealous of your time or even to someone. For my non-sense jokes, my whines and I sought your attention while you were too busy on your things. Sorry for being my greatest fear. Sorry for a bucket full of never-ending misunderstandings we have had. And a lot of things to apologize for. But above all these, sorry for loving you this much that made it hurt you. I trust fate and I believe you’ll accept my apology. I’m sorry.
I forgive you. I know you only have few words to say and you seldom spill what’s on your mind, I understand. You might be forgetful at times — on our special days, it’s fine. You might be too confined and you seem not to involve me on some of your whereabouts, it’s okay. You have taken the leap of faith, and tried to make everything right for us. I’ve had forgiven you.
We were perfect for each other,
For years we’ve built a foundation of our love.
But there’s a thick line which indicates a limit,
And I guess, the time wasn’t right.
There are things which are simply inevitable. You’re dealing with existential crisis and I couldn’t help but to cause incessant arguments which disturbed your mental peace. It wasn’t healthy anymore and I admit it’s because of me. I have realized how frozen you were, you needed space and I sensed it. So I need to keep myself ready for the possibilities. Until you started to melt your ice. That night, I have all ears, eager to listen to your sentiments.
You needed a break from every commitment you have, including ours. You wanted to commit your time to yourself. Thus, you wanted to feel free and do everything without worrying that I would feel anything bad about what you do. You wanted to be happy without feeling any form of guilt for choosing your own happiness because you’ve always felt that you’re denying yourself. That you’re always making decisions on what other people are expecting from you. And whenever you choose to follow what your heart says, deep inside there’s always a feeling of guilt. Being with me for years, you thought that you weren’t giving me enough. You felt that you weren’t treating me the way you should. You perceived everything’s a mess that moment, and you want to fix yourself again because you needed to. You really wanted to make me happy but you can’t bear to give your all for me, for us. You were really thankful for the time we spent together and you wouldn’t forget me, you added. I was your first serious relationship, the one being really committed and lasted for years. But everything seemed to be blurry in the end. You needed a break and you’re lost. You felt that you weren’t improving and you didn’t knew when can you fulfill the role you have to play for me. And you felt like you weren’t the best for me. You needed a break and you swore that you needed to focus on yourself first. You said you don’t know if that’s the last heartbreak you will give me. You love me so much and you wanted me to be happy without you. You uttered that maybe you needed time to think about everything and you can’t assure me anything from that moment I begged on you. But you left me with the words that I would cling to “I believe if we really are destined, we’ll definitely find our way back”. “Promise me you still give your best in everything you do, even without me, Pinky swear — I still love you.”
What If I never brought it up? Maybe you stayed, just the way you find me every time I’m lost. So we can figure it out until we learned to fix everything. But this context depicts me being selfish. Upon hearing your sentiments, tears streamed down my face. I had no idea for how long have you been keeping those burdens with you. I was dull not to notice those things until the silence echoed. And I failed to see my shortcomings to make you happy, so you’ll stay. I believe everything happened for a reason, maybe to teach us a lesson. Even pain has its own intentions. I guess, that time was solely not for romance or compatibility, ’twas our future, families, hard work and career which were at stake. Never have I ever thought that I’ll lose you. I was caught off guard. It feels like I can’t run back to a burning house just to save the things I value — us.
It was the point of my life that I badly needed to escape and hide in the midst of nowhere so no one can see my dreadful being. Knowing that I can no longer touch the unwrapped of memoir of ours. For the passing days without you I’ve had anxiety and I cried helplessly. Pillow cases witnessed my awful state until tears came out no more. Cobwebs were in my head like maybe I didn’t mean as much to you as I thought I did. My soul whispered sounds of yesterday’s memories as I kept reminiscing your presence. I knew how it felt to cry at night and struggle to cover my mouth so no one can hear my weeping. I knew how it felt like crying in the rain so no once can notice the tears sobbing in my eyes. I’d tried to stop the waves that cleared all our memories printed in the sand. But the splashes of these waves have already washed out my entirety. And then, I realized that even if I can’t stop the waves, I know I can learn how to surf and bring out the valor I’ve had. Some memories may never leave me, like I once dived into the sea, I already carried the salt and it became part of me. I can’t change anything more unless I learned how to accept it.
A line indicates a limit,
A limit which means boundary
If we were never to cross that line,
We would never experience the world, life, and relationships outside the boundary.
Well, we’re 22 and it’s been a year since we parted ways. Just because we were no longer together, doesn’t mean I won’t love you. There’s always a hint of sadness and a piece of my heart that smiles whenever I think about you. You’re my what ifs, my could’ve beens and should’ve beens. You are worthy, you are enough and you are blessed. I hope you have already found out what you’re looking out there. I hope you have already the audacity to believe that you are capable of everything, and be sure of all your decisions, and you deserve all the things that you have. I hope you’ve figured out what your heart truly speaks for, and your mind truly thinks of. Be proud of yourself wherever you are or what you do. I hope you’ve already cleared out all the mess and wiped out the blur confusions you’ve had. Above all of these hopes, I hope you’ve found the answers to the questions that we once never figured out. It doesn’t have to be completely whole, but the leap of faith matters the most. A leap of faith where you believe and accept everything outside the boundary.
Despite everything that has happened, I want you to know that I have no bad feelings towards you. Yes you broke my heart, but you didn’t break me. Instead, I’ve learned how to forget what hurt me, but not the lessons it taught me. I believe that there’s always a light at the end of every tunnel.
I wrote for the one-percent chance that you could read this piece. And though it’s only a one-percent chance, if you feel you’re ready to like me still, then couldn’t we start over? You don’t have to like me very much. Just keep your heart open for me. ♡
FranzeSays 